I walk, every day now. As I’ve written about before, I started on a journey to improve my health a little over a year ago. During my walks, I listen to a great deal of music. Lyrics are profoundly important to me, and it results in my crossing genres I might not normally enjoy, or revisiting ones I’ve missed out on for far too long. Today, May It Be came on by Enya. My love of all things Enya began, sadly, after 9/11 when Only Time played as a requiem for those who were lost. Since then, I’ve explored her entire catalog, never to be disappointed.
As a widow for over a decade now, I’ve started to think of myself as no longer defined solely as a widow (in the context of love). I’ve long moved on from the concept of marriage, and am decidedly disinterested in ever entering that type of existence again. However, being the intensely empathetic nature of my being, I struggle with the ability to disconnect myself from things that are not good for me, nor sustainable. Walking alone as an empath has grave repercussions in the context of connections in this world for me. Enya sings, “You walk a lonely road…oh, how far you are from home“. I believe that I initially always connected all the lyrics in that song to the path of Frodo in The Lord of the Rings, but over time I have internalized it, as I do with songs I feel deeply. I wonder if I truly am lonely, or my nature makes me think I am. One can be surrounded by people and things, yet still feel so lonely. I am aware enough to realize that my loneliness is something I need to define as well as transcend.
Then, there is this saying above, “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply”. It may at first read as a statement of obviousness, however, there is so much truth to this. When I was in the midst of my abusive marriage, I lived in a perpetual state of fear, misery and self-loathing. Now, I’ve emerged from that time as a different person, but there is a measure of pain that exists when one aspires to achieve happiness. The ebbing and flowing of emotions can be unbearable at times, and the processing of such things can be exhausting, mentally and physically. Still, it’s not like one has a choice when it comes to the controlling things around them, to a certain extent it would seem.
As time progresses, I see my children coming of age, and my life changing once again. In less than a years’ time, I will have all adult children. While I will always be a mother, a role that has defined me, more than a wife, a widow or any other role I’ve undertaken (by choice or otherwise), my life will transform once again. Obviously, I will always be a mother, but my primary role will change in some ways. It will liken itself more to being a consultant of sorts, providing advice and guidance in some ways, and still nurturing in other ways. I often wonder, if I will remain the reclusive writer and painter, or will I once again travel and seek out all the things I keep saying I want so desperately to experience while there is still time.
I find Sarek’s quote about destiny and paths to be one of my favorite quotes from my lifelong love of all things Trek. It is interesting to contemplate these words, as he is emphatic that only Spock can decide which path to choose. He seems to insinuate that he alone can choose the path, as well as its outcome, but we know this is not the case as his life unfolds. So, it sometimes consumes my thoughts, wondering why I choose certain paths to walk, and then those paths are closed, opened, or take on strange detours I certainly did not anticipate. Perhaps I can choose the general path with my own decision, but its development, continuity and end results are out of my hands. Such is life I suppose.
Food for thought.