These Small Hours

I simply and truly cannot believe how many years are marked today from the passing of my mom. Having lost so many people in my life in such a short period of time doesn’t have a word or description. I’ve been asked countless times how I endured the loss of my mother, then my husband, then my father while still trying desperately not to drown in grief, despair, sorrow and just letting it all take me under, broken and shattered.

There are many factors and incidents that helped me endure. I was incredibly blessed by the good fortune of having a caring and loving friend who was there for me…EVERY…DAY. My mother and father’s own family never called and asked if there was something they could do to help (that’s another post), but this one person was there, calling me every day after work for many months, asking if I was eating (and taking me to eat if I couldn’t), letting me scream, yell, and sometimes just sob uncontrollably while I vomited my grief and self-pity. However, she never gave up on me. (You know who you are <3)

The neighbors who left things on my porch, who knocked and handed over a bowl/basket of food and just said enjoy and walked away…the doorbell ringing and a truckload of food from an anonymous tip that led them to fill my pantry and fridge to bursting. Friends from long ago who changed the locks on my home when my late husband’s wallet and keys were STOLEN (yes, stolen) at the scene of his fatal accident, leaving me terrified someone would break in. My autistic son’s tech at the time, whose family adopted me that year and made sure that their Christmas was taken care of and that I had extra, which I was thrilled to pass on to another family. Imagine, having too much for Christmas? Every time it snowed, coming outside and everything shoveled and my car, ready to go. There are so many little things that others did for me that are precious and helped me survive that dark and lonely time.

However, through it all, there is the video above. It’s from a precious movie that I love very much, called “Meet The Robinson’s”. I love the movie SO much, because as an adopted child who was later totally abandoned by my adopted parent’s family upon their passing, that movie holds so much for me. Yeah, it’s a cartoon and quite silly at times, but it has meaning that is easy to spot, especially for someone who was adopted or for anyone who longs to be loved and become a part of something bigger than his or herself. If you get a chance, listen to the words…they go so deep into my heart and I have never been able to get through it without crying to this day, all these years later.

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The morning of my late husband’s funeral, I was completely wordless (anyone who knows me understands how rare that is *smile*) and I was desperate to find a song to play after the eulogy I was trying to write. Out of nowhere, at 6:30 in the morning, the song above popped into my head. I played it and I knew right away what I needed to do. I purchased a copy of the song and put it onto a CD and checked several times to make sure it played OK. Anyone who was there after the eulogy remembers just sitting there and listening. I can still feel my arms around my children and the way they shook with absolute grief at their loss. My heart still aches for them, although I have long overcome the loss due to the abuse at his hand (yet another post for another time), but for them, the grief was absolute, so final.

If you ever get the chance to watch the movie “Meet The Robinson’s” with your family, I promise you won’t be disappointed. Well, maybe you will and you might say, “I don’t know what the hell that lady was talking about, that movie was weird!” LOL, but it is corny at times. There is the defying of gravity and time and even a dinosaur and singing frogs, but the message resonated with me still. Everyone is worthy of love, somehow, someway, it will pass…you will survive. Keep moving forward…

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Let the tears come, the anger rage, the remorse and regrets wash over you. They are real, tangible and worthy of your attention. Don’t be ashamed to be angry or fearful of what happened or what is to come. Don’t let others tell you how to feel or that you are wrong for feeling a certain way…that is their burden, NOT yours. Some things we truly have no control over and after what I’ve endured, I totally believe this to be true. However, I know one thing, I survived and I am worthy of being loved…and I am. Now? I need to go, there’s um, something in my eye…

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