I’ve written a LOT about difficult family in the past. While “getting it out” is cathartic for certain, there is a certain aspect of it that pulls negativity into the forefront. I get comments from readers all the time that talk about how things hit home due to the way my words rang true for them in some way. I’m going to try a new approach and truly try to find positivity in the moving forward phase I’m currently trying to implement.
Having had a stellar year of increasing happiness and finding love and acceptance in more than one way, I find myself not dwelling upon certain individuals who used to be in my life. Sadly, they were family, and cutting people out of your life (or they cutting you out or not acknowledging you) can be very stressful. However, now that I’ve finally figured out why that had to happen, I can finally start to feel good about the decisions I made.
This list above is quite accurate. We really do need to take a look at the people around us who do these things. Lately, I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot. While I had to reflect deeply to pull the experiences out that were positive and remember people who were there for me during the difficult times, I found them in my memories. Today, I’m learning to celebrate the things they did for me when others I always thought would be there weren’t.
I’m finding comfort in the disconnection that occurred, because they happened for a reason. Understanding and coming to terms that there are people who can be in our lives for 5 months, 5 years or 20 years don’t always BELONG in our lives. Letting go of those connections shouldn’t be looked upon as a sad event, a longing for what was or a frantic search to try to think of what we could have done differently. What happened was meant to happen and the toxicity and other emotions that emerged during, at the end and beyond exist because they were telling us something. Remaining in those moments stall our growth and give those individuals far too much “power” over our thoughts.
I’ve experienced a lot of toxicity in my life. Whether it was by proxy, a former friend or family member or through others, I’m finding that while it can take a while to move ahead and formally box those people up and send them on their way, it is truly a rewarding emotional experience. I no longer look upon it as a “loss” but a fresh perspective and outlook on the future. Leaving me are the emotions holding me back and with baby steps, positive emotions such as hope, love and optimism are being replaced. Learning to trust after being hurt, or disappointed or even lied to is a challenge, but it can be done. It certainly isn’t going to happen overnight, but it will happen.
I’ve noticed that when I am in the process of allowing these people to leave my constant thoughts, I realize how much power I gave them. We hold on so tightly to the idea that the time we spent somehow justifies the way we were treated. Coming to terms with the final truth that these people ARE the issue and THEY need to work on themselves is very freeing emotionally. Spending time trying to figure out what YOU are doing wrong is always going to lead to disappointment because you are trying to “fix” something about someone they aren’t even aware of.
When you get to the moment when you finally say goodbye to an individual, even long after you’ve spoken or interacted with them is the time when you finally realize that you are the one who is gaining something, moving ahead, forging newer, healthier connections and letting those who are stuck in their own issues deal with themselves. I always consider myself a work in progress. Living with anxiety and coming to terms with the grief and loss I’ve endured and the choices I’ve made up until this moment isn’t always the best thing for me to remember, but those experiences created the person I am today and that’s a good thing.