If there was one major thing that I think should be required when you date someone, it should be either the ability to find out from someone else who dated them what the bloody hell is wrong with them. That option not available? Then I think you should get an exit interview.
I don’t go out on a ton of dates, but I go out on my fair share. My friends are used to it a bit by now, wondering who it is this time and what fresh hell I’m enduring. While I’m still “searching”, I have come a long way in identifying lunatics, immature guys seeking mothers and weeding out the players (that’s the really difficult one).
As a woman who is seeking an actual relationship, I may as well be adrift at sea. Sure, you hear all these horror stories about online dating, and for the most part, they are all true. People will say, “Oh, I’d never get on one of those…” as they get ready for a night out on the town with their girlfriends at a nightclub.
Being widowed and working at home puts me at a bit of a disadvantage, not to mention that I have two children still living at home. They’re older now and I can go out and do things, but it creates a conundrum when it comes to dating. Perhaps, I think what it does do is create a situation where I tend to be more observant and protective of myself, which is always a good thing.
By the time you get to um, my age group, you would think (and you would be VERY WRONG) that men seeking to date women would be ready to find a friend, life partner, someone to enjoy their time off with. Sadly, this is not the case with 99.99999999% of them. In many cases, they are either divorced (and see their children for 4 days a month & have TONS of free time, not always by choice I will add, since I don’t want it perceived negatively), single and never been married (major red flag, sorry), separated (RUN!!!!!) or recently divorced and wanting to pretend they are 20 in body, mind and soul (dear god, please realize that this is not true guys for either of us!).
What I do wish would happen, which never, ever, ever will no matter how many witches and warlocks I consult about this, is that men who put down that they are seeking a long term relationship would just stop lying. Seriously. YOU DON’T WANT THAT. You’re lying from day one and you don’t mean it. It’s a lure (maybe that’s why fish is in the name of the site LOL) that you use to make women think you are seeking something long term. You’re not, never have.
For some reason, you believe that every woman is ready to just jump in the sack with you and just accept that as the new norm. Yes, there are plenty of trashy women out there who will succumb to that sort of thing (and more power to you, really strong condoms or whatever) but I’m not one of them. So sadly, since I have morals and ethics, I find myself alone (the term “sadly” is quite subjective because I’m not actual sad, relief I think might be better). I used to think that was a bad thing, but I’m slowly learning that by sticking to my guns, I’m more easily able to identify these fools early on.
There’s a pattern that they all follow, like there’s some class out there where they all take notes and make a list. I imagine the class called something like, “From Perfect Mate to Asshole in Twenty Easy Steps!” The rules are simple, from what I have discerned:
- Say hello in a fun and witty opening line.
- Patiently wait for her to take the bait.
- After hearing back, wait to answer, but not too long!
- Exchange witty banter for a minimum of ten texts.
- Suggest that you “text off the site” to get her number.
- Text more witty banter, but insert a few compliments.
- Ramp up the compliments and start acting like she’s the only one you’re talking to. Pictures along with romantic statements like “you’re so beautiful” are golden!
- She gets like 20 messages a day, but she’s only talking to you. If you come online to set up the next conquest, make sure to lie and tell her you’re “deleting stuff”.
- Make plans to meet, say you can’t wait and you have a “great feeling about us”. (They love the word us and will deceive them into thinking you actually like them!)
- Agree to whatever heavily populated place she’d like to meet. Be on time.
- Check her out for bedding potential. She doesn’t need to know you don’t give a crap about her interests and you’ve already forgotten her kid’s names.
- Be sure to act like you’re mad about her, give her a little kiss, make her believe she’s special, but not too special!
- Over the next few days, keep up the “good morning texts” and hope she doesn’t log on to see that you’ve no intention of being exclusive with her. Ever.
- Make sure you get that second date. Be attentive, but somewhat aloof.
- Kiss her with a little bit of passion to continue the ruse of “Oh he likes me! He really likes me!” in her brain. Don’t worry, you have no emotions, so this won’t affect you.
- Increase sexual banter during calls, but remain playful. She can’t know that’s all you want. Continue to set up future victi…err, calls and meetings so you can continue your game.
- Crucial time period. She’s either going to take the bait or catch on. Make yourself vaguely available “if you have time”.
- Either she will wait like a patient little victim or she will see through your BS and call you out on it.
- Disappear, you have no conscience anyway. Move on to the next in line and start sending messages to see if your fake lure attracts anything.
- Repeat all these steps endlessly because you are never going to change.
It would be very easy to conclude from reading this that I am a hateful and bitter woman. Sometimes, the way things play out can be upsetting, confusing or downright cruel depending on a lot of things. There is a “stung” feeling that lingers for a few days, but it goes away. That’s part of why I write about it. It’s quite cathartic to be honest. Although I move on and keep on doing my thing, it makes me sad that things are the way they are. I probably won’t ever get the “exit interview” I desire, but I really don’t need it. Recognizing the signs and moving on before I get hurt is the most important aspect and area of growth since starting this.
I’ve come a long way from the very immature and needy guys I dated early on. I’m farrrrr from perfect. I don’t ever want to truly be some ideal of perfect anyway. I like myself, flaws and all. The most important lesson I think I take from all these encounters is that, just like making friends, not everyone you meet will stay in your life and that IS the way it’s supposed to be. Being widowed young put me in a world I wasn’t expecting and it’s not what I hoped. While I become somewhat jaded, I do realize that as long as I stay true to myself and don’t compromise my values, ethics and morals, I’ll be just fine.